The 22nd year of being Ryan Hartley, documented.

Over the past two issues of our Residence Newspaper I’ve been writing a Relationship Advice Column parody called Hartbeat. Hope you enjoy it…

While enjoying all that Stellenbosch night life has to offer, I met a most charming, young lady. We found we had much in common and that we connected on many levels. We exchanged numbers and planned to meet again. However, upon further investigation I discovered that she was not quite as old as I assumed she was. My question is this: What are the socially accepted parameters regarding age?

Dear Hartbeat

I’m from a small town in the Eastern Cape. Last week I a wonderful girl from Cape Town. Unfortunately, this is my final year studying in Stellenbosch and I am scared that the lack of time spent close to each other will mean the failure of this relationship. We have made a commitment to phone each other every day to chat about what’s been going on in our lives. I really think I can make it work, because we really like each other.

What do you think? I really hope you can help me with my problem.

From Lovelorn and Long-distance

Dear Lovehorn,

The solution to your problem is summed up succinctly in the following principle:

Long distance is the wrong distance

 That is quite simply all you need to know. It’s very important that you remain close to your paramour and it’s not just so that you can keep an eye on her and ensure she isn’t hooking up with other guys on the side. There is something vitally important being in close physical proximity to one another during the start of a relationship. While you might possibly get away with a long distance relationship if you have already been going out for some time, it is an absolute no-no for a relationship like yours which, judging from your sickeningly sweet demeanour is embryonic at best.    

You see, it doesn’t matter how much you like each other, an important part of any relationship is observing your intended partner in a number of different situations, with her friends, with your friends, with family, in a plane, in a train, in the park or in the dark. A relationship is more than a mere one on one conversation; it is an integration two lives to see whether there is enough compatibility to consider a lifetime together. Also, you want to stay close to see that she doesn’t get fat.

Happy Commuting

Hartbeat

Dear Hartbeat

I have a friend who I have known for a while now.  We’re not exceptionally close, but we do spend a fair amount of time together. The trouble is I recently met his sister who is, shall we say, not completely unattractive.  I would like to get to know this girl better, but am concerned that it would damage the friendship. What should I do? 

From A “Friend” of the Family

Dear Friend

The family issue is a difficult one.  Friends are protective of their little sisters for all sorts of reasons, but the main is reason is that they know how much of a chop you are. That being said, the official rule is:

There is an eighth month grace period within which you are allowed to pursue your friend’s sister

Experts are divided on whether the grace period begins to run from moment you become friends or the moment you become aware he has a sister. The more acceptable view is that the clock begins ticking as soon as your friendship begins. This means that if you have a sister and you managed to keep her hidden for eight months, she would be perpetually off limits.

Having said that, there is always a clause attached to each of these rules: “If she’s hot enough it doesn’t matter” Rephrased in a more politically correct manner: Love is hard to find and if you think there’s a possibility for a serious relationship you should go for it. As long as she’s hot enough.

Happy Family Bonding

Hartbeat

Dear Hartbeat,

While enjoying all that Stellenbosch night life has to offer, I met a most charming, young lady. We found we had much in common and that we connected on many levels. We exchanged numbers and planned to meet again. However, upon further investigation I discovered that she was not quite as old as I assumed she was. My question is this: What are the socially accepted parameters regarding age?

From A More Mature Individual

Dear Mature,

While age is nothing but a number, it can sometimes be an important number. The greater the age difference, the fewer the shared experiences and the harder it is to establish common ground. While matters of the heart cannot be reduced to facts and figures there is a helpful guideline that will aid you in determining whether a difference in age is just too much to overcome.

“The acceptable minimum age for a girlfriend is half your age plus 6, rounded up”

Colloquially this is known as the “Half-past Six Rule”. There are a number of things to take note of when discussing the Half-Past Six Rule. The first is that the number given by the formula is a minimum and not an optimum age. When the rule says that a 22 year-old may happily date a 17 year-old what it is really saying is that should you date someone below 17 years of age, your friends will be well within their rights to pass comments or even stage an intervention (depending on how attractive the girl is). Secondly, the rule has an effective range which only begins at 12.

The long and short of the matter is that love can cross all boundaries, including age. While it is often easier to form a connection with someone closer to your age, once love has been found it is important not to dismiss it simply because of a difference in how long you’ve been around on Earth. As long as she falls within the Half-past Six Rule.

Happy Cradle-Snatching,

Heartbeat

Dear Hearbeat,

I met a beautiful girl at the sokkie on Wednesday night. While I didn’t get round to obtaining her number, I did get a first name:  Jenny*. With that I was able to search through all the Jenny’s and Jennifer’s on Facebook (using Stellenbosch and Kurt Darren as parameters to narrow the search). Since her profile is an open one I was able to take a good look at her likes and dislikes, her taste in music and movies and to see what her friends look like. The problem is: How do I re-establish contact with this girl without appearing to be an obsessive Facebook Stalker?

From Hopelessly Searching

Dear Hopeless,

The major issue you have here is that you are a Facebook Stalker. Normal people work up the courage to actually ask the girl for her number or at least get a last name. However, with the ease at which one can be tracked down on the internet through various social networking sites, it has become an attractive option for those lacking bravery or suffering from paralysing social disorders to meet more people. As such a new set of social protocols will have to be developed for communication on a more electronic level. Establishing contact with someone who, for all intents and purposes, you have no right to contact is the first and thorniest of issues that must be approached. While I normally advocate complete honesty in all aspects of relationships, in your case I advise lying. Send her a friendship request and if pushed to explain how you came across upon her profile, just say that she gave you her full name while you two were sokkieing. Unless she was so repulsed by you that she made a conscious decision not to give you her name, she probably won’t remember the details of the evening. If she did make said conscious decision then you have bigger problems than looking like a Stalker. If she accepts send her a pleasant message inviting her to the next sokkie. From there you can work on building a real relationship in the real world with real people.

Happy Facebooking

Heartbeat

*Not actual first name

If anyone has any relationship advice they need dispensed, feel free to ask me, I’m pretty good.