The 22nd year of being Ryan Hartley, documented.

Spring is here.  At least it is while I write this.  The Cape’s reluctance to let go of winter means that it might be back to “overcast with frozen showers” by the time you pick up your Matie. Nevertheless, the birds are currently singing, the flowers blooming and even the recycling bins are becoming more colourful.  Warm sunshine caresses the skin of students who should really be learning for Brek-Week, but instead are getting ready to put the phrase ignorance is bliss to the test.  However, this is not the problem that it once was; these days we’re all experienced at acting out of ignorance.

It seems that while the amount of knowledge in the world has increased, this hasn’t been translated into more intelligent people. Today, we applaud the ignorant by placing them in magazines, government positions and television programmes; a head full of facts, it seems, will only slow down the progression of a good conversation. 

When you are confronted with a social situation in which you are out of your depth, you have two options: 1) you can diligently research the subject, using the internet to pick up tips and other information, or 2) you can fake it.  The second option is the correct one.  It takes way too much time and energy to actually understand something and besides, those other guys don’t actually know what they’re talking about either.  Also we need to conserve bandwidth so that it’s easier to get onto Facebook.

Many people experience a degree of social anxiety when discussing a subject they know nothing about; afraid that their lack of understanding will see them dropped from their friendship circle like a wet towel on a res floor.  This fear is entirely unnecessary.  Arguing from ignorance happens all the time; in politics, the workplace, on the radio, you name it.  Faking it is just so much easier than it appears. 

The key, as with most things in life, is confidence.  People tend to believe those who believe in themselves.  Should someone question your opinions, just sniff contemptuously and say:”I refuse to follow conventional wisdom.”  This makes it seem like you’re an excitingly original thinker, when you’re really a stubbornly ignorant non-thinker.  Another great aid is jargon.  It is always worth your while to learn one or two phrases to inject into a heated debate.  This particular trick works well in the world of sport.  Put this new skill to the test during your next Rugby World Cup Match.  I find it particularly useful to yell out “Numbers at the break down!” during a match.  I have no idea what that means, but it seems to work.  Another usefully ambiguous term is “Decision Making!” Since you’re not specifying whether you’re happy or upset with the decision that was made, it is appropriate in all manner of situations.  With these helpful hints you will soon impress your boyfriend or affirm your manliness among your buddies.  If they happen to be watching a T20 Cricket Match you’re in the clear.  Nothing you say could be worse than anything said by female cricket commentators.

Despite the widespread use of this technique, there are those among us who have set out to halt the ever increasing tide of ignorance; noble individuals who aim to lift mankind out of the self-imposed stupor of afternoon talk-shows and YOU/Huisgenoot magazine articles and into the glorious upper echelons of true enlightenment.  Just recently a cruise liner, the Oceanic II, was converted into a floating university called The Scholar Ship, proving once again that people who think they have a sense of humour should not be allowed to name anything. Instead of casinos and dancing girls, the cruise liner will now contain lecture halls, seminar rooms and a library.  There will even be a University Wireless Network aboard the vessel, which means that piracy will finally return to the high seas where it belongs.  Soon students from all over the world will join the maiden voyage of this nautical wonder as it cruises the Seven Seas, bestowing knowledge from Panama City to Hong Kong.      The whole thing seems like a pretty good idea to me; if the entire university can move with the seasons, I’ll never have to deal with a wet winter again.